Transparent and appropriate

Suzanne Mercier - Monday, March 29, 2010

In my last blog, I talked about shame keeping us separate and that when we share what we are ashamed of, we release that burden and can connect again - with ourselves and with others.

It occurred to me that I need to expand what I meant by that. 

I'm not suggesting that you find yourself a soap box and stand on the corner telling the world your innermost thoughts and feelings or revealing your darkest deeds. Communication needs to be appropriate to the level of relationship.  We tend to move through the levels shown below as we get to know someone.  We move past the superficial level to the data or "facts" level, to sharing our ideas and judgements - which are a tad more open and vulnerable - to finally talking about our feelings.  When w are at the feeling level of communication, we are probably sharing information about who we are.  This is probably the best level to gradually reveal ourselves as flawed and authentic beings.

In my experience, and watching friends, colleagues or clients share something they considered shameful, the sense of personal acceptance that comes when we aren't rejected after baring our soul is liberating.  You will probably find that the person you're sharing with has something equally "dark" that they were keeping hidden too. No-one can make us feel ashamed, even when they act in a way that puts us down or passes judgement on us or our actions.  We choose our response; the situation is simply neutral and we give it meaning.  Let's give ourselves a break and recognise that it's perfect to be imperfect.  What do you think?  I'd love to hear. All the very best Suzanne