Shame keeps us separate

Suzanne Mercier - Sunday, March 28, 2010

Increasingly, I've been coaching senior executives and am humbled by their willingness to tell me what's going on and how they're feeling.  In every case, their story has included feeling that they just didn't measure up with the resulting feeling of shame. 

Shame is the emotion that results from thinking poorly of ourselves.  We may experience shame in any situation which causes us embarrassment, humiliation, inadequacy, or even dishonour or disgrace.   Shame is one of the emotions associated with the imposter syndrome.

When we feel ashamed of something we have done or which has happened to us, our natural tendency is to do all we can to keep the source of our shame hidden.  As soon as we start hiding things from each other, we create separation.  If you think back to something that resulted in you feeling ashamed - it may have been other children at school laughing at you, it could have been publicly failing at something, being humiliated, perhaps it was not achieving something you had your heart set on and then feeling not good enough - whatever it was, see if you can remember how you felt at the time.  Just briefly; don't stay there.  If your experience was anything like mine and those of my clients, you certainly didn't broadcast your shame to the world.  The feeling may have caused you to curl in on yourself.

Now think about the other side of the situation; when you've actually confessed something or a hidden situation has finally come to the surface.  Firstly, we often find out that it wasn't as bad as we thought it was.  Secondly, the feeling of relief when the burden of keeping something hidden is lifted is wondrous.  Finally, the feeling of connection we have with the person or people we shared the experience of unburdening with opens our hearts.

There's nothing any of us have done that hasn't been done before.  Most of what we feel ashamed about is insignificant or even unfounded.  So, why not "let the sunshine in". 

What do you think?  I'd love to know.
All the very best
Suzanne

PS. For those of you who would like to experience Hair "Let the Sunshine In" with a modern interpretation, try this YouTube video