Suzanne Mercier - Tuesday, February 16, 2010
When we experience feeling like an imposter, that feeling is about the mistaken belief that we are not as clever or accomplished as our current circumstances would suggest. Our successes, if we can see them at all, are due to good luck, others’ mistaken views of us, charm - any factor other than our own abilities. Because we can’t see our own responsibility for the success we experience, we aren’t able to internalise that success and build on it, at the same time building our self-esteem.
Feeling not good enough is accomplished by the drive to ensure no-one else gets to see that. We can become very self-protective and accomplished at diverting or deflecting unwanted attention. We may judge and criticise others, righteously holding them to a standard of perfection we can’t reach ourselves. All those behaviours are driven by fear.
The interesting thing about fear, though, is that while the feeling is real, the “story” we’re telling ourselves is not. Fear is a conditioned response based on our current view of the world - our beliefs, attitudes and values, past experiences, decisions, needs and so on. That conditioned view informs our actions which dictates the results we get in our lives. For example, if we think we’re not good enough, that forms the goggles we have on when we look at the world around us. We act with “not good enough” in our minds and we get “not good enough” results which, in turn, reinforces that we simply don’t measure up. We need to break the cycle.
Fear exists in the future, not the present. Fear arises our body is in the present time but our mind is focussed on some future event that creates anxiety in us. The event hasn’t happened and we’re tying ourselves up in knots about it. Living in the present can get us past that anxiety and worry about something that may or may not lie in our future.
For many of us, fear can exist at the edge of our comfort zone. We experience something unfamiliar and instead of feeling excited about the breakthrough we’re about to have, we can feel afraid and pull back into the safety of what is familiar. When we do this, we deny our human drive to grow and evolve. To use the words of Stephanie Burns, we need to come closer and stay longer so that the overwhelming feeling of fear recedes and we are able to move through it.
So when you feel not good enough and are afraid that you just won’t measure up, here are a few tips that just might help you get past it.
You’re in good company. At least 70% of people experience that feeling and some of them are very famous indeed. Knowing that if you spoke to 7 out of 10 people and confessed that there are times you feel like a fake and fraud, they would say, “yes, me too” must take the sting out of it.
The feeling you are experiencing is based on a totally distorted self-view. Find someone you trust and ask them for honest feedback on your strengths and successes. Then listen to them rather than dismiss what they tell you.
All behaviour has a positive intention - a gain for you. What is the positive intention in feeling like a fake and fraud? And is there some other way you could satisfy that internal need so you can experience who you really are and what you’re capable of?
I’d love to hear your experiences and views.
Suzanne
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