Christmas can be fun ... you just need to survive quality time with the family

Suzanne Mercier - Friday, December 11, 2009

     Christmas is commonly a time when all the relatives come together for one intense period of time, united by blood or marriage.  Old roles wait to trap us and regardless of what we have achieved out there in the world, we may find ourselves pulled back into being the son or daughter, desperately trying to get parental approval, or the sibling playing out old rivalries.

     Regardless of the source of family angst, the key is to remain calm, to not get caught up in the old patterns and continue to react to them again this year.

     Awareness is the first step.  Notice your response to behaviours - things that are said or done.  Particularly notice when you get upset.  Hopefully it's before you react, although often it is mid-flight that we pick up what we're doing.  When you become aware that you're caught in an old pattern, you have the choice to break the pattern and change the relationship.  There are a few ways you can do this:

1.  Physically break it - make a cup of tea or coffee, go to the loo or do something that physically removes you from the space and gives you time + space to figure out what's really going on.

2.  Emotionally break the pattern - if you can't physically move because it's inappropriate, step back from the situation so you can disengage your emotions and think more rationally about what is going on.  In your mind, you can "Go to the Movies" to disengage.  Look around you at the people and surroundings.  Now step back out of the picture, so you can see yourself in the scene - as if it was a movie.  Throw the movie up onto a screen in front of you and play with it.  Run it forwards, run it backwards.  Change from colour to black and white, and back again.  Slow it down, speed it up.  Now give yourself some distance from it by sitting in the first row of the movie theatre and looking up to the screen.  Stand up and move back to the 6th row.  Watch the back of your head in the front row watching the movie.  Stand up and move to the 12th row and watch the back of your head, watching the back of your head watching the movie.  Stand up again and move back to the 18th row.  Watch the back of your head, watching the back of your head, watching the back of your head watching the movie.  Now move into the projection booth.  Look down into the audience and see yourself in the 18th row watching the back of your head in the 12th row watching the back of your head in the 6th row, watching the back of your head in the front row watching the movie.  By now, you will feel much calmer emotionally and can look at the situation without the noise of emotional reaction playing in your head.

     Everyone does the best they can in the circumstances, even if it doesn't feel that way.  It would be helpful for you and for your family if you could move from whatever emotion you were experiencing to a position of compassion and curiosity, seeking to understand what's going on for them and what their needs might be.      Perhaps you can help meet those needs.

     Once you've got to that point, you can really connect with your family and appreciate them for their wonderful qualities and the opportunities they give us to learn about ourselves.

     What do you think?  I'd love to hear.

Thanks.
Suzanne