Suzanne Mercier - Wednesday, March 31, 2010
You may remember a YouTube video of a young man who decided to stand on Pitt Street Mall in Sydney and offer free hugs to passers-by. With a huge sign held over his head advertising his offer, he was initially avoided, then one-by-one people of all ages, sexes, nationalities took him up on his offer. I hadn't seen it for ages and was reminded of it recently when Today Tonight (I think it was) showed the top YouTube videos ... this was the top one.
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Watching strangers connect filled my heart.
One person, putting himself out there, being vulnerable made a huge
difference to so many people. Human contact at all levels is so
important for our health and wellbeing. We need to connect - firstly
with ourselves, then with others. That's why it's so important to step
beyond the limitations we place on ourselves when we feel like
imposters.
For a great confirmation of how
the world could be, check out the
video: http://twurl.nl/2zwag6. It will bring a smile to
your face.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
All the very best
Suzanne
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Suzanne Mercier - Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Today I was waiting for a ferry and engaging in people watching. A young woman came down the steps to the jetty shortly after I did. Instead of sitting down, she stood in the centre of the jetty, totally absorbed in her own world. She was lovely and very colourfully dressed. Her top was silver, pants aqua, socks purple, shoes patterned and her bag was orange. I loved her individuality. As I watched her, I noticed her toes tapping and assumed she was listening to her ipod. No wires! She was tapping her foot to some inner beat. Even more fascinating.
As I watched her, she became aware of my gaze. She immediately stopped tapping her toe and seemed to withdraw in on herself.
Now I know that according to the Hawthorne effect, the observer affects the phenomenon being observed. I couldn't help wondering what was going on in her mind as she curtailed her natural behaviour. I was really hoping that she didn't think I was judging her in some way.
Too often, that's the conclusion we draw when we catch someone looking at us: that they're finding some fault. That's totally unproductive hallucination at work. While it's possible that they may be judging us, it can be equally true that they find us interesting, perhaps even intriguing.
In the business environment, when we put ourselves forward in some way and we get a response we don't know how to interpret, how much more common is it that we interpret the response in a negative manner than any other way? Far more common in my view! We don't allow for different processing styles or other possibilities. And then we adjust our behaviour to what we consider to be more acceptable to other people. No wonder we have such a hard time figuring out who we are.
What do you think? I'd love to hear.
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Monday, March 29, 2010
In my last blog, I talked about shame keeping us separate and that when we share what we are ashamed of, we release that burden and can connect again - with ourselves and with others.
It occurred to me that I need to expand what I meant by that.
I'm not suggesting that you find yourself a soap box and stand on the corner telling the world your innermost thoughts and feelings or revealing your darkest deeds. Communication needs to be appropriate to the level of relationship. We tend to move through the levels shown below as we get to know someone. We move past the superficial level to the data or "facts" level, to sharing our ideas and judgements - which are a tad more open and vulnerable - to finally talking about our feelings. When w are at the feeling level of communication, we are probably sharing information about who we are. This is probably the best level to gradually reveal ourselves as flawed and authentic beings.
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In my experience, and watching friends, colleagues or clients share something they considered shameful, the sense of personal acceptance that comes when we aren't rejected after baring our soul is liberating. You will probably find that the person you're sharing with has something equally "dark" that they were keeping hidden too.
No-one can make us feel ashamed, even when they act in a way that puts us down or passes judgement on us or our actions. We choose our response; the situation is simply neutral and we give it meaning. Let's give ourselves a break and recognise that it's perfect to be imperfect.
What do you think? I'd love to hear.
All the very best
Suzanne
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Suzanne Mercier - Sunday, March 28, 2010
Increasingly, I've been coaching senior executives and am humbled by their willingness to tell me what's going on and how they're feeling. In every case, their story has included feeling that they just didn't measure up with the resulting feeling of shame.
Shame is the emotion that results from thinking poorly of ourselves. We may experience shame in any situation which causes us embarrassment, humiliation, inadequacy, or even dishonour or disgrace. Shame is one of the emotions associated with the imposter syndrome.
When we feel ashamed of something we have done or which has happened to us, our natural tendency is to do all we can to keep the source of our shame hidden. As soon as we start hiding things from each other, we create separation. If you think back to something that resulted in you feeling ashamed - it may have been other children at school laughing at you, it could have been publicly failing at something, being humiliated, perhaps it was not achieving something you had your heart set on and then feeling not good enough - whatever it was, see if you can remember how you felt at the time. Just briefly; don't stay there. If your experience was anything like mine and those of my clients, you certainly didn't broadcast your shame to the world. The feeling may have caused you to curl in on yourself.
Now think about the other side of the situation; when you've actually confessed something or a hidden situation has finally come to the surface. Firstly, we often find out that it wasn't as bad as we thought it was. Secondly, the feeling of relief when the burden of keeping something hidden is lifted is wondrous. Finally, the feeling of connection we have with the person or people we shared the experience of unburdening with opens our hearts.
There's nothing any of us have done that hasn't been done before. Most of what we feel ashamed about is insignificant or even unfounded. So, why not "let the sunshine in".
What do you think? I'd love to know.
All the very best
Suzanne
PS. For those of you who would like to experience Hair "Let the Sunshine In" with a modern interpretation, try this YouTube video
Suzanne Mercier - Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Today I participated in a new Sydney event, the Ideas Lunch, put on by Ideas Architect, Geoff McDonald. You may be aware that Geoff is behind BookRapper which is so much more than a book summary. Geoff takes the ideas and builds on them with practical solutions for business. The Ideas Lunch is an opportunity to introduce the essential ideas and open up discussion about their application in business.
Today's topic was Trust Agents, which dealt with how to build trust in our online business dealings - through our websites and social media. When we were talking about recognising that something put up on the web ... anywhere on the web ... can be picked up on other locations and stay on the internet forever, the conversation turned to not putting anything up on the web that we wouldn't want our mothers to see. We then talked about the possibility that the internet provides us with the opportunity to be truly authentic in that moment; to bring down the walls of shame or discomfort that come from hiding who we really are and instead to be totally transparent.
We all have things we feel moved to hide. We all think these things we hide are shameful secrets. Yet, when we tell our secret and others do the same, we firstly feel much lighter, then we feel closer to the person we share our secret with. Could it be that in some ways, social media is providing the opportunity for us to be authentic? Or is it that social media and the internet are the equivalent of talking with strangers and we often feel much safer sharing our secrets with strangers thinking we'll never see them again.
What do you think? I'd love to hear.
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Most of us have been taught that its far better to see the glass half-full than it is to see it half-empty. It's a sign of a positive frame of mind and approach to life which makes sense because we all have so much to be grateful for. By comparison, seeing the glass half empty shows that a person is likely to look at what is missing from his or her life rather than appreciate what is there.
The problem with that approach is that we judge one aspect as right and the other wrong. If I select the glass half-full, I am only presenting half the story. Where we have black, we have white; where we have light, we have dark. Light isn't better than dark. It's simply different. In actual fact, it's two sides of the same coin. We need one to have the other.
So, when I only tell half the story, I'm not being authentic. This happened to me recently. I had been quite upset about a series of situations that had occurred and that was the focus of my attention. I judged that as "bad" and sought to shift my mind to a more balanced perspective by looking at what had worked and what hadn't. By doing that, I was able to switch from being critical to being grateful for all the positives that had come out of the situation. I felt quite proud that I had been disciplined with my mind. Except that with the benefit of the expert advice of Lorna Patten and time for reflection, I realised that I had feelings about the "half-empty" side of the equation and those feelings had been swept under the carpet. Instead, I had presented the positive aspect of myself - the part I thought the other person would like while keeping my hurt ego feelings hidden. In denying my own stuff, I hadn't told the whole story; I hadn't been authentic.
What do you think? I'd love to hear
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Monday, March 22, 2010
You've probably heard the
expression that we won't change until our current reality has become too
painful to remain where we are. We might know we "shouldn't" be eating as
much chocolate, or we should exercise more, or we don't really need that
extra glass of wine, or a particular relationship is toxic or we need
to speak out about how we really feel. However, until the consequences
of us not acting on that knowledge become too costly, we aren't going to
change.
Why?
Of course, there could be so many reasons.
One of the primary ones is that change is difficult for us. It brings
up uncertainty; fear of the unknown. We will be disrupting the status
quo which could include our current job, our relationships, family, lifestyle. We may
react in a positive way, seeing the uncertainty and fear as an indicator
that something exciting is about to happen. Or we may see it as moving into the
danger zone just a bit too far outside our comfort
zone. The fear and anxiety can become crippling and all we want is a blanket to hide under.
Let's flip it and look at what might be outside your comfort zone that would give you reason to go through the relative trauma of change. If you experience the imposter syndrome and can relate to feeling like a fake or fraud, afraid of discovery as being "not good enough", you may not be able to consider what might lie beyond where you are right now. You may consider yourself incredibly lucky to have got to where you have, given that it clearly had nothing to do with you.
Consider the question: "If you could do anything and have anything you wanted, what would that be?" If you knew you had no limitations, what would you love to achieve? What difference would you like to make? what legacy would you like to leave behind when you finally depart this world - hopefully many fruitful years from now? If you experience the imposter syndrome, you may feel that's a pipe dream because when we're in that space, we can't associate with our talents and without them, how can we be of service?
If preventing yourself from leaving a legacy isn't enough, think about something a little closer like the relationships you have with friends and loved ones. When we're in the imposter space, we aren't even connected with ourselves, let alone anyone else. Is there a yearning inside you to really connect with others; to be seen and completely accepted for who you are? In order to experience that, we need to be authentic - to truly see ourselves in all our glory with all our warts and completely accept that we are worthy just as we are.
Or what about your career? What could you do there if you had the confidence to really go for it? What difference would you like to make at work? While you're in the grip of feeling like a fake or fraud, that simply can't happen.
Feeling like a fake and fraud, feeling not good enough, has nothing to do with reality. It's a totally distorted self-image that prevents you from seeing all that you truly are, and from really making your contribution at any level. Is that enough to motivate you to go through the uncharted territory of change?
What do you think? I'd love to hear
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Sunday, March 21, 2010
At the end of last week, I was working with a women who has a very successful business. She is an expert in her area and has around 20 staff reporting to her. Collaboration is part of the way she likes to work and in that vein, she was seeking to work with another expert in the same area as her. When it came down to working together, though, they had quite different approaches and, it seemed, different values. My client told me that the other women was so certain and so assertive with it that her own response was to back down. She felt uncertain about her own knowledge and experience, even though she'd been a specialist in this particular area far longer than the other woman.
It really got me thinking about the role the imposter syndrome played in this particular scenario. My client has the tendency to feel she's not good enough, even though she has more than 20 years experience in this particular area. Part of the way we play out the imposter syndrome is that we judge something to be right and wrong, black and white. In other words, we think in a digital manner: off / on. Because each of us individually perceives the world through our own unique combination of filters - values, attitudes and beliefs all of which result from past experiences, decisions, needs and so on - we all see the world and interpret situations we experience quite differently. When we accept that fact, it becomes difficult for us to hold the view that one of us is right and one of us is wrong. We realise that there are so many versions of reality. What we can then do is to become curious about how someone else perceives a particular situation and maybe we can learn something; expand our own wisdom.
In my client's situation, she saw the other woman as right and judged herself to be wrong which threw her into feelings of imposterhood. The other woman's certainty triggered her own uncertainty. Not a very resourceful space to operate from.
What do you think? I'd love to hear.
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Friday, March 19, 2010
When we feel like imposters, we deny our qualities, our experience, our successes. We may not see these qualities or achievements as valuable because if we have them or have accomplished them, they can't be that difficult or impressive. When we come from that perspective, we have no hope of accessing our true and deep wisdom.
Just think, for a minute, of a time when you felt not good enough. Perhaps it was a mild, fleeting feeling; perhaps it had greater impact than that. From the perspective of that feeling, were you able to see and tap into your talents? No! Your mind was most likely on a negative loop, running in that downward spiral, especially if it was a severe "attack". When we feel not good enough, we are not resourceful.
On the other hand, when we recognise that feeling not good enough is just that - a feeling and not a reality - we can start to peel back the masks.
Getting in touch with our authentic selves involves increasing our emotional intelligence - developing our understanding of who we really are - what we value, what we believe, how we view the world. It involves developing an internal compass that helps us make decisions and interact with the world. It involves shifting from judgement to curiosity about ourselves and others. This gradual emergence of who we really are involves recognising that we are all "children of the universe", no better and no worse than anyone else (remember "Desiderata"). We all have our unique talents - the gifts we have been given to be of service in the world. All of us have things we don't do so well. That makes us the same, not different and certainly not a cause for shame and separation. the question is what are you going to focus on?
Back to wisdom which, simply put, is our ability to accurately assess people and situations and to consistently make the best decisions to achieve the best outcome. To access our unique wisdom, we need to accept our wonderful gifts and talents. We need to tap into our incredible intuition as well as our logical intelligence and we can only do that if we recognise that we have intuition we can trust and intelligence that we have demonstrated over and over again.
What do you think? I'd love to hear
All the very best
Suzanne
Suzanne Mercier - Thursday, March 18, 2010
I was talking with an incredibly talented and accomplished colleague yesterday. She had lost her confidence and hope for the future; everything seemed hopeless. As we talked through what was going on, it suddenly struck me that I knew what was going on for her. She thought everyone else was doing so well compared with her. She was looking at herself as having lost the plot and lost her talent, in spite of solid evidence to the contrary (she has been exceptionally successful in the public arena).
Perhaps you can relate to what she is currently experiencing. I know I can. When we deny our talents and successes and think we're not good enough, we also tend to focus on our shortcomings and failures. We develop a distorted view of who we are and what we're capable of. Then we compare ourselves to what we see others doing and achieving; we compare our lives to theirs and somehow, ours seems pastel in comparison.
The problem is this. We're comparing a negatively distorted self-view with the polished mask the other person we're comparing ourselves to has carefully put in place. We don't know what that person is really thinking and feeling. Perhaps they truly are that confident. Chances are, though, with at least 70% of highly successful people experiencing feelings of imposterhood, they're doing the same thing as you are!
What do you think? I'd love to hear.
All the very best
Suzanne
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